Open Auditions

It's fair to say that there are a lot of people in my life that I'm going to miss when I move away, and despite the technological advances in recent years such as Skype and social networking, there are still going to be big empty people sized holes everywhere I turn.

I've worked hard over the last few weeks, and I've managed to retain the services of all of my family and most of my friends, all before the November free agency filing period. There are some, mainly friends of friends, who haven't yet committed to maintaining a long-distance partnership, but with the Rule 5 draft not until December, I can test the waters for a while before making my final decisions. I also must be wary of those who had a contract year this year, and may slump with the security of a guaranteed contract.

The roster's pretty much set, there's a consistent looking line-up there, and I think the rotation will be dependable throughout the year, possibly with someone stepping up to be the ace of the staff. However, the mark of a good GM is to scour the market to piece together a good bullpen, bench, and have some hidden gems waiting in the minors. It doesn't make financial sense to retain the current incumbents, so I think recruiting replacements in the USA is the best way forward.

I therefore declare this an open audition for new talent. I shall list the areas of need below.

Girl who plays music on her phone on the bus. Now, no one person has nailed down this role as of yet, and some occasions call for more than one person with this skill set, but it's hard to imagine sitting through an entire bus journey without knowing what song the kids of today are listening to. I feel privileged to be included in the soundtrack of their lives, which tends to be "Rockstar" by Nickelback. This service helps me keep in tune with today's youth, giving me prior warning when kids start to like songs I like, allowing me the time to delete the fuck out of them from my mp3 player.

I feel sorry for her predecessor "obese man who played the Pet Shop Boys on a ghetto blaster outside ASDA whilst drinking milk",  I think he had a genuine love for his music, and lard, and if he's dead I really hope they played "West End Girls" at his funeral, it's how he would have wanted it.

Guy who pukes on the last train. A stalwart of the 23:30 train from Glasgow or Edinburgh, he can be relied upon to produce the goods on a regular basis, and has great positional sense, i.e. between me and the door. He goes about his work quietly and efficiently (usually whilst asleep), just allowing the vomit to leave his mouth in a steady stream, with none of the usual retching or false alarms. the smell of puke is a quite handy reminder that your stop is next, whether you live there or not, ensuring that you yourself don't fall asleep on the train.

People who have conversations on stairways. Sometimes I walk up or down the stairs too fast, or in a straight line, which can generate complacency. Sometimes I need a reminder that I don't need to be where I'm going as quickly as i think I do, and I admit that sometimes I get halfway up a set of stairs and feel like I need a rest, but would be too embarrassed to just stop there. Therefore it can come as a relief when the person in front of me just stops and talks to a friend who's going the other way. I then have the options of slowing down, changing my course, or listening to whatever shite they're talking about. Options I didn't have, or wouldn't have thought about previously, and as such expanding my mind just a little.

Person who waits until they are on the bus before looking for their change. You know what, I'm not replacing this person, they are a fucking arsehole. They've been standing at the bus stop for the last fifteen minutes, and they bloody well make sure that they are at the front of the line when the bus arrives, but it doesn't seem to occur to them that they might have to pay, with money, until they are face to face with the driver. They also don't seem to care much for money, because it's not anywhere near as important than any of the other shit that's in their handbag. Shit that they have to rummage through while the rest of us are waiting, in the rain.

Grumpiest Motherwell Fan Ever. OK, I may need to accept that the new post holder may not be a Motherwell supporter, but they must have an undying love for their team, only equalled by their undying hatred. For their team. I need this person to sit two rows in front of me at any sporting event of my choosing and berate all players and the manager for whatever they see fit. I need them to regularly request that a player be removed from the field, because he's shite. I need them to proclaim that a pass is "fucking rubbish" while the ball is in mid-air, on its inch perfect way to the forward's foot.  I need them to spend a good proportion of the match hurling dogs abuse at a player who isn't even in the squad.

Hitleresque Council Worker - Being an absolute maverick, free spirit kind of guy I sometimes need kept in line. Especially when it comes to things like paying council taxes. Despite never having missed any payments for anything ever, I feel that a DEMAND one month in advance of the due date for my council tax keeps me on my toes and makes sure that I don't suddenly forget to pay something I've been paying for years.  I also feel that I don't make the most of the privilege of owning a telephone, therefore I would welcome the opportunity to be frequently referred to other departments, and put on hold as much as possible. I love interacting with self-important little twats who go to great lengths to let me know that what I am asking of them isn't their job.

Door to door shit salesman - Barely a day goes by without me forgetting that my entire house needs double glazed, or that I need a new conservatory. I need people to remind me of this, because otherwise it just wouldn't get done. In a world without door to door salesmen how would we all manage? We'd never buy anything.  To think that I went without food and heat for over a year, waiting for the kitchen and central heating salesmen to come round. It's an inefficient system we have, and you would think that by now we'd have some sort of arrangement where people can browse available goods and services and purchase at their leisure, saving these poor salesmen from having to check on everyone constantly.

Chinese pub DVD salesman - I've always felt that buying DVDs is a complicated process, especially when I'm in the pub, and therefore I was relieved when some clever Chinese entrepreneurs spotted a gap in the market. Now I can purchase from a wide range of available titles from the comfort of my bar stool, by perusing a selection of cardboard cut outs, paying my money, and hoping the guy doesn't get lost again on his way back from the car with the actual DVDs. It is sometimes difficult to get parked in Falkirk sometimes, so I sympathise. For this service I'll happily sacrifice quality. I believe that the "special" selection is popular amongst the male demographic, but I've never really been into director's cuts and audio commentaries.

The Sceptic - This is probably the most important piece, and will probably require a dip into the free agent pool. some of the 25 man roster have fulfilled the duties of this post on occasion, but they don't seem to be able to maintain the consistent level of scepticism this position requires. I understand that the last 8 years of my life have been rather unorthodox, and that I have embarked on a few campaigns which may be described as ambitious. Acquiring a wife from a foreign market was a relatively new concept in 2002, and as such a few people wondered, out loud, whether it would actually work. Moving the whole franchise to a new location is equally daunting, if not more so.

Sometimes I get so caught up the the situation that I need someone to help keep my feet on the ground, by calling bullshit. I appreciate those who saw right through me and called me out on the fact that I was never trying to sell my house because, if I had been, it would have been sold by now. I also appreciate that these people knew that the entire immigrant visa process was just an elaborate ruse on my part because, as you know, the USA's motto is "the more the merrier." Fair play to the folks who are enlightened enough to understand that paying off debt is an optional activity only undertaken by people who are desperately trying to avoid being with their families. Without these sceptics I would have been living the high life, in a spare room in my dad's house, for the whole of eternity and avoiding those husband and father duties like the plague.
If I can get these positions filled, I feel that I can make a pretty smooth transition to a new country. Never underestimate the power of hate.